By purchasing the Meat Mattress, you acknowledge that you are buying a premium, embossed paper towel for the specific purpose of resting cooked meat. You understand that while we take grilling seriously, the concept of "emotional exhaustion" in proteins is a marketing device and not a scientifically proven biological state.
The Meat Mattress is FDA adjacent. This means it is made of food-safe materials commonly found in kitchens. However, it is not food. Do not eat the Meat Mattress. Do not feed the Meat Mattress to your pets. Do not use the Meat Mattress as a real mattress for hamsters, no matter how cute it would look.
Our "Money Back Guarantee" is valid for exactly 24 hours after the carrier marks your package as delivered. To claim a refund, you must provide a 500-word essay on why your steak felt "unrested" and mail the unused portion of the product back to us at your own expense. We reserve the right to judge your essay for grammar and emotional depth.
Meat Mattress LLC is not responsible for overcooked steaks, under-seasoned chops, or grease stains on your mahogany table because you missed the mattress. We are also not responsible if your friends make fun of you for buying a mattress for your meat. In fact, we encourage it.
We ship via standard carriers. If the carrier loses your package, we will mourn with you. If the package arrives and you simply don't like the font on the embossing, that is a subjective artistic disagreement and not grounds for a refund.
We collect your email to send you discount codes and grilling tips. We will not sell your data to vegans.